Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I was just super sad to see Jake heading off to college and out into the real world. It’s hard to accept that he won’t be at the house daily and that I won’t be a daily part of his life. I mean, I know he was ready to move on with life. But, for me, it was difficult because I kept debating if I had done enough for him or with him to be prepared as a father. I want to have a continuous relationship with my Jakee Juice and my other kiddos!!
A week ago, Nichole and I sat down at the kitchen table for almost an hour and just had a good heart-to-heart open conversation about his life. I told Jake that I loved him unconditionally and that I would always accept him as my son no matter who he decides he loves in the future. I felt a closeness to him in that moment that was very deep. I love the man he has turned out to be. He loves other people, he is super kind and willing to do whatever he can for anyone. He has so many Christlike traits that are just inherently natural for him. I am so proud to call him my son. I told him that it was hard for me at first to realize a few years ago that he was naturally attracted to the same gender. But, that was over 6 years ago that I realized that he was naturally gay. It was hard for me to accept at first. I felt ashamed that early in my marriage I told Nichole that the hardest thing for me as a dad would be for a child of mine to be gay. Oh, how I was so naive and incompetent for saying that. Little did I know that I was the one and only man Nichole was ever attracted to. Needless to say, my heart and mind have been opened! Jake is a blessed son of God. I love him and who he is and who he is becoming with all my heart. He will continue to be a blessing to me and to this world
Having said that, my heart was in full ache mode! I so desperately want for him to be happy and have success in life. He struggles to know who God truly is. I so wish I had talked with him more deeply about God. I’m not good with opening up. I’m worried I just haven’t done enough for him or for my other kids for that matter. I’m kind of struggling with my own testimony right now. I love God and Christ and the gospel. But, I do struggle with the Church’s teachings on polygamy, blacks/priesthood, and homosexuality/social stances. I love 90% of the church. But, these 3 issues are really leaving me in a battle
Polygamy/homosexuality. If the world ever needed polygamy, it would have been in the beginning with Adam and Eve. Never is a second wife mentioned for Adam. Why was this practice ever ok for Abraham, Isaac and Jacob? And, if the virtue of chastity was so important during the Book of Mormon times, why did it ever have to reappear during Joseph’s time?? Why?! Why would it be ok for these early men of the restored church to have thirty-plus wives? It’s absolutely ridiculous!! I can’t be convinced that it was ever needed. Why was it more moral for a man to have plural wives than it is for a single man-to-man or woman-to-woman to be in love? These monogamous relationships can do everything God and Christlike with the only exception of procreation. If they are naturally attracted to each other, why should they be denied church membership and acceptance?
Back to Jake, I will try my hardest to stay active in his life and still be a part of his life’s decisions if he lets me. My hope is that my kids will want me to be a part of their lives. I love them and still want to be with them forever. I need them probably more than they need me!
