Melissa has persistent depression disorder. The thought that was coming to my mind tonight is that Melissa herself recognizes small little victories and positive situations but because of the sickness itself the ability to recognize is suppressed. In other words, the sickness suppresses the recognition of positive outcomes for a better and brighter future. It’s hard for her to find pleasure in any activity due to the constant pain and fatigue. The constant pain dulls the senses and as a result, she is constantly fatigued and has low energy. Also due to the sickness also comes the unwarranted emotions and feelings of worthlessness and feeling ashamed of what she’s enduring and not being able to be there for her children through no fault of her own. She’s scared which hurts. I recall seeing her shaking at dinner last night at Cubby’s. I can see her foot twitching and her playing with her hair to try and calm the nerves. My heart is just breaking from the pain she so needlessly needs to endure. I know it’s easy for me to say that she is so strong because of how much she has had to endure. And that her mental, intellectual and spiritual muscles are growing. But at what time can it just be enough and be given peace. I just wish I could give her something to give her a sense of hope. Something to look forward to. The ability to have financial security so she can go go find other activities that bring more joy and a sense of victory for herself. I want her to know that she would never have to be alone and that someone is by her side supporting her. Is what I have to offer her which is all of me, my heart and soul going to be enough to help her climb out of this low valley and abyss. This is her personal Gethsemane. At what point will the victory of restoration be bestowed upon my sweetheart!!??
Today is Sunday, the 27th. I just got back from a morning run. Melissa has been on my mind and in my heart all morning. I ran down to Olympic Park and as I gazed across the park and just taking in the calm and serene scene of the early morning sunrise, I just reflected on my sweet Melissa. Her rising from this low valley she found herself in will have a glorious triumph when she rises from the pain and weight of depression. Or, the other thought was to find the joy and meaning in the moment even when it’s not an ideal moment. If life was a constant easy ride with no struggle, where would the growth come from? Don’t things become easy or easier after we’ve gone through the difficult challenge. It’s great to have challenges. At what point, can there just be peace and reprieve? Maybe it’s finding peace in the difficult moment where we can find our own individual source of strength. Where is the faith to move forward if the road is always lit ahead of you?
So, 6 days ago last Monday I first went with Melissa after having dinner together at her favorite go-to place Cubby’s to the crisis center where Melissa checked herself in to get help. Wednesday morning she got transported via an ambulance to the Salt Lake Behavioral Crisis Center where she has been ever since. They allow visitors on Wednesday and Thursday and Saturday. So, I was able to go see Melissa those days. Coincidentally, her dad was there each time as well. So, although this has been hard on Melissa, it has been nice to get to know her dad Lyn a little bit during this journey
