Jake gets engaged!

 

Eli

 

Mercedes Gracie Ralph

Mercedes Gracie was born May 30. She weighed in at 6 pounds 5 ounces. Ethan and Chani are going to call her Sadie Gracie. 

Date night

 Typically, I would not consider Tuesday a date night. But, it was nice to have a date again with my cute girl. We went to a restaurant that we had never been to before with Elena and Dave and part of the family. Earlier in the day during lunch I kept contemplating about Nichole. To say she is constantly on my mind is an understatement. I am consistently subconsciously and consciously thinking of her and our relationship. The thought came to my mind of how grateful I am that she has been able to endure 28 years of marriage to someone she’s not even attracted to.  I thanked her for not dumping me a long time ago.  I don’t know how she’s been able to do it.  I was comparing this to myself and if I had been taught as a heterosexual that I needed to be intimate with another man.  That would be impossible for me. I just would not be able to do it. Not because I think it is an evil practice, but just for the mere fact that I am not attracted to men.  Nichole has been incorrectly taught that she can only live a heterosexual lifestyle or be celibate.  Well, after 28 years of being intimate with a man, she’s had enough and just can’t stomach it anymore.  I have to have compassion in thinking of her.  So, now we’ll just both live a celibate lifestyle but at least have our best friends by our sides. The love we have for each other my be love without the extra benefits of physical romance. But, at least we’ll have friendship companionship.  I am amazed she’s been able to endure as long as she has. I hope she can continue to want to see me by her side!

Father’s Day

 

I love my dad and father-in-law. I remember my dad making me work every Saturday at the house when growing up. We would do yard work, paint the white picket fence, do some gardening, clean up the house and mom’s fabric sitting around. It seemed like mom always had a design project she was engaged in. I am thankful he taught me the importance of work and not standing idle wasting time. It was important to my dad that we were productive with our time. 

Today, for our church lesson at home, I decided to have a spiritual thought regarding a father’s unconditional love which is well represented in the story of the Prodigal Son.  To me, this story recounts one of the most beautiful scenes in the Bible in Luke 15:20 in which the dad was off in the distance, but when he saw his wayward son, the father did not wait for the son to come to him. He ran to him and embraced him with the love that can only come from someone who loves another with such unconditional admiration and pure charity. I got pretty emotional. I didn’t think I’d get so emotional when recounting the story, but wow, my heart was full. 

Nichole was gracious enough to let me get some exercise in.  Friday night, I took Eli to the Legacy Center. Eli brought a neighborhood friend, Austin Anderson. While they were playing, I got a 3550 swim in, or a 2-mile swim. That felt awesome. Then, I was able to get up Saturday morning and get a 1-hr bike ride in, 10K run and weights. Then, today I was able to get another run and ride. It did feel good!

I miss being intimate with my sweet and beautiful Nichole! My heart just aches for touch and just wanting her to hold my hand or give me a hug. I keep thinking she may want me at some point. We went to go see The Flash as a Father’s Day gift and when we got home from the movie tonight I had to ask her if I can at least hold her hand and to get a hug. It’s always me having to make a first advance for any type of affection. I keep thinking that we can go without the sex, but can I at least get a hug or my hand held. I know she’s gay, but can we at least be partners a little bit or have some fun together in someway? I can’t tell if now she is just trying to stand up for some personal principle of hers and just trying to drive me away. I love her and it breaks my heart that she doesn’t seem to be able to love me back. I just want to feel her warm embrace again but, I guess it’s just all wishful hoping at this point, to ever show love or affection towards me. I guess I really thought that we were meant to be together forever and that she was my eternal companion. It’s just tearing me apart that it feels like she’s rejecting me. She told me 9 years ago that she was gay, but I never thought this would wedge us apart after being together for so long. I really felt we were growing closer and stronger together by her opening up to me. I really thought we were in this journey together. I want to love and support her, but it just feels like she’s pushing me away, and I can’t tell why she’s pushing me away. She verbally says she loves me, but her heart is void of affection towards me. She even pulls her hand away when I try to reach out for her. Up until just a few months ago, she would let me play with her and try and take care of her physical needs. I’ve always thought we connected emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  Tonight, I asked her if she’s going to at least stay with me until the kids are grown up and out of the house. I never thought we were getting to this point with the possibility of divorce. I can’t imagine that we would ever separate. I never thought that was in the realm of possibility . She was always my better half, my closest and best friend. I feel like I’m losing my best friend. I miss her with all my heart. I just want to be with her, but she doesn’t feel like she’s made for a relationship with a man . She misses that connection with someone and feels she can only connect with a woman. She even seems to think that divorce can be out of love to let someone free to be able to find their happiness.  If she divorces me, my family connection would not be the same. I’ve always envisioned us growing old together, but she obviously doesn’t feel that way? I thought we had a happy marriage and a wonderful relationship, but now it feels like every day is in question and whether she’s going to be at home when I get off of work , or if today’s gonna be the last day with her or that she’s gonna tell me she doesn’t want me anymore in her life and it’s more than I can bear. I can’t take this rejection. Tell me you want me. I understand if you can’t have sex with me, but can you at least have some affection?  how did we get to this point? I know how that was just a rhetorical question. Isn’t this a way of her cheating on me by thinking that she has to save herself for another and that to be with me is to not be with a person that she’s meant to be with ? I am her current spouse, not some future, imaginary person in the future. It’s like at some point now I feel like I want to spend all my time with her because I never know when it’s gonna be my last day.  I feel that I’m going to lose her, but maybe I already have. She obviously doesn’t want me anymore and I don’t know what to do about it because she’s all that I want. I don’t want another person. It would be hell to try to connect with another person when I have been in love with you for 30 years of my life. Is my love not enough for you Nichole? Please please please if you can’t find it within your self to be intimate with me, can you at least show some affection  to just touch my hand and hold my hand and you give me a hug and you just look me in the eye and tell me you love me. I guess being gay makes it impossible for her to have those emotions towards me. We’ve built a life together and had a family . I don’t want to let her go. I feel like if I let her go my whole world will go crashing down and I can’t bear the thought of losing my family. My family is my rock and my foundation and it’s like the foundation is getting torn out from underneath 

me. Can things go back to the way they were? The more she acknowledges her true self, I know I should love and support that because of my love for her and me wanting her to be happy, but it is a conundrum. I hate that she spends so many hours a day reading those damn romance books. I swear she reads at least 5-6 hours a day and maybe even more. It’s like I’m not even there. She is definitely tuned out of connection with me and seeking outside our relationship. But, to let her be happy will be my misery. Damn the church for not having a policy of love and inclusion for ALL of God‘s children. A gay person should have the same opportunities of eternal blessings and rights as a straight person for the blessings of eternity. A gay person does have the rights, but we won’t find that taught within the Mormon church. And, it’s shameful. The Mormon church had every opportunity to truly lead out and restore all blessings for all of God’s children. Just because someone is made differently doesn’t make that person any less valuable or worthy of blessings from Father. I thought I would be able to have Nichole by my side on this journey because I always thought we were strong together. I thought she wanted me by her side even though she’s not attracted to me, I still thought she wanted me by her side. How does she not want me by her side? It’s like she’s looking for a person that’s not there. I’m right here in front of you, Nichole!

Mother’s Day gift for Grandma Merrill

It was time for Grandma Merrill to update her old broken down mailbox so the siblings went in on purchasing a new one for her for Mother’s Day. We had a good laugh from Nichole’s picture of grandma chilling in the chair subjecting all of us to her free advice. Little Napoleon suits her pretty well 🤣

This week

 It was so great to go on a hike with Nichole up Battlecreek Falls in Lindon. We were stunned by how much water was still flowing through the river. It is a short hike but pretty steep up to the waterfalls. Nichole was joking how out of shape she is. The legs were fine, but the heart rate was elevated and felt dizziness. But, it was just so nice to spend some quiet time alone and just talk together. It is deeply therapeutic for me just spending time conversing together about our lives and our relationship. She is everything to me. Happiness is at full throttle but the deep sadness of withholding myself from advancing physical connection is excruciating. Intimacy typically draws two people closer but where intimacy makes Nichole feel dirty, I have to now hold back from her what once seemed to be completely acceptable, natural and desired by her. But now, it feels like I have to ask permission just to hold her hand. It’s so hard not knowing exactly where I stand and to what extent I can show my deep affection for her. I miss not being intimate with my dear Nicky and to feel she doesn’t really want me anymore is like a thousand knives just shredding me to pieces. The tears are many and way too frequent these past few weeks and days. Just a couple weeks ago, I was at the Legacy Center trying to go about my workout with no success at all. I was completely handicapped with the thought of losing Nichole. I just burst into an uncontrollable flow of emotions that surfaced. My heart was so heavy that I’m sure those around me were wondering what the heck was wrong with this guy. To know Nichole loves me is beautiful. But, to also know that she does not want to be intimate with me is torture. It is affecting all aspects of my life right now. It’s hard to even go to work and be positive.  To not know if each day may be my last one with her is a feeling and emotion I never thought would be in my realm of possibility. I’ve always thought and felt we were a forever couple. I’m hoping that the atonement can heel any disconnect! 

Hope Baker, Ava’s friend who moved 7 years ago from our neighborhood to Indiana, is here this week. So, we went to Texas Roadhouse. Hope is fun girl and a good friend for Ava. It’s great to see Ava have good friends.