Father’s Day

 

I love my dad and father-in-law. I remember my dad making me work every Saturday at the house when growing up. We would do yard work, paint the white picket fence, do some gardening, clean up the house and mom’s fabric sitting around. It seemed like mom always had a design project she was engaged in. I am thankful he taught me the importance of work and not standing idle wasting time. It was important to my dad that we were productive with our time. 

Today, for our church lesson at home, I decided to have a spiritual thought regarding a father’s unconditional love which is well represented in the story of the Prodigal Son.  To me, this story recounts one of the most beautiful scenes in the Bible in Luke 15:20 in which the dad was off in the distance, but when he saw his wayward son, the father did not wait for the son to come to him. He ran to him and embraced him with the love that can only come from someone who loves another with such unconditional admiration and pure charity. I got pretty emotional. I didn’t think I’d get so emotional when recounting the story, but wow, my heart was full. 

Nichole was gracious enough to let me get some exercise in.  Friday night, I took Eli to the Legacy Center. Eli brought a neighborhood friend, Austin Anderson. While they were playing, I got a 3550 swim in, or a 2-mile swim. That felt awesome. Then, I was able to get up Saturday morning and get a 1-hr bike ride in, 10K run and weights. Then, today I was able to get another run and ride. It did feel good!

I miss being intimate with my sweet and beautiful Nichole! My heart just aches for touch and just wanting her to hold my hand or give me a hug. I keep thinking she may want me at some point. We went to go see The Flash as a Father’s Day gift and when we got home from the movie tonight I had to ask her if I can at least hold her hand and to get a hug. It’s always me having to make a first advance for any type of affection. I keep thinking that we can go without the sex, but can I at least get a hug or my hand held. I know she’s gay, but can we at least be partners a little bit or have some fun together in someway? I can’t tell if now she is just trying to stand up for some personal principle of hers and just trying to drive me away. I love her and it breaks my heart that she doesn’t seem to be able to love me back. I just want to feel her warm embrace again but, I guess it’s just all wishful hoping at this point, to ever show love or affection towards me. I guess I really thought that we were meant to be together forever and that she was my eternal companion. It’s just tearing me apart that it feels like she’s rejecting me. She told me 9 years ago that she was gay, but I never thought this would wedge us apart after being together for so long. I really felt we were growing closer and stronger together by her opening up to me. I really thought we were in this journey together. I want to love and support her, but it just feels like she’s pushing me away, and I can’t tell why she’s pushing me away. She verbally says she loves me, but her heart is void of affection towards me. She even pulls her hand away when I try to reach out for her. Up until just a few months ago, she would let me play with her and try and take care of her physical needs. I’ve always thought we connected emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  Tonight, I asked her if she’s going to at least stay with me until the kids are grown up and out of the house. I never thought we were getting to this point with the possibility of divorce. I can’t imagine that we would ever separate. I never thought that was in the realm of possibility . She was always my better half, my closest and best friend. I feel like I’m losing my best friend. I miss her with all my heart. I just want to be with her, but she doesn’t feel like she’s made for a relationship with a man . She misses that connection with someone and feels she can only connect with a woman. She even seems to think that divorce can be out of love to let someone free to be able to find their happiness.  If she divorces me, my family connection would not be the same. I’ve always envisioned us growing old together, but she obviously doesn’t feel that way? I thought we had a happy marriage and a wonderful relationship, but now it feels like every day is in question and whether she’s going to be at home when I get off of work , or if today’s gonna be the last day with her or that she’s gonna tell me she doesn’t want me anymore in her life and it’s more than I can bear. I can’t take this rejection. Tell me you want me. I understand if you can’t have sex with me, but can you at least have some affection?  how did we get to this point? I know how that was just a rhetorical question. Isn’t this a way of her cheating on me by thinking that she has to save herself for another and that to be with me is to not be with a person that she’s meant to be with ? I am her current spouse, not some future, imaginary person in the future. It’s like at some point now I feel like I want to spend all my time with her because I never know when it’s gonna be my last day.  I feel that I’m going to lose her, but maybe I already have. She obviously doesn’t want me anymore and I don’t know what to do about it because she’s all that I want. I don’t want another person. It would be hell to try to connect with another person when I have been in love with you for 30 years of my life. Is my love not enough for you Nichole? Please please please if you can’t find it within your self to be intimate with me, can you at least show some affection  to just touch my hand and hold my hand and you give me a hug and you just look me in the eye and tell me you love me. I guess being gay makes it impossible for her to have those emotions towards me. We’ve built a life together and had a family . I don’t want to let her go. I feel like if I let her go my whole world will go crashing down and I can’t bear the thought of losing my family. My family is my rock and my foundation and it’s like the foundation is getting torn out from underneath 

me. Can things go back to the way they were? The more she acknowledges her true self, I know I should love and support that because of my love for her and me wanting her to be happy, but it is a conundrum. I hate that she spends so many hours a day reading those damn romance books. I swear she reads at least 5-6 hours a day and maybe even more. It’s like I’m not even there. She is definitely tuned out of connection with me and seeking outside our relationship. But, to let her be happy will be my misery. Damn the church for not having a policy of love and inclusion for ALL of God‘s children. A gay person should have the same opportunities of eternal blessings and rights as a straight person for the blessings of eternity. A gay person does have the rights, but we won’t find that taught within the Mormon church. And, it’s shameful. The Mormon church had every opportunity to truly lead out and restore all blessings for all of God’s children. Just because someone is made differently doesn’t make that person any less valuable or worthy of blessings from Father. I thought I would be able to have Nichole by my side on this journey because I always thought we were strong together. I thought she wanted me by her side even though she’s not attracted to me, I still thought she wanted me by her side. How does she not want me by her side? It’s like she’s looking for a person that’s not there. I’m right here in front of you, Nichole!