This week

 It was so great to go on a hike with Nichole up Battlecreek Falls in Lindon. We were stunned by how much water was still flowing through the river. It is a short hike but pretty steep up to the waterfalls. Nichole was joking how out of shape she is. The legs were fine, but the heart rate was elevated and felt dizziness. But, it was just so nice to spend some quiet time alone and just talk together. It is deeply therapeutic for me just spending time conversing together about our lives and our relationship. She is everything to me. Happiness is at full throttle but the deep sadness of withholding myself from advancing physical connection is excruciating. Intimacy typically draws two people closer but where intimacy makes Nichole feel dirty, I have to now hold back from her what once seemed to be completely acceptable, natural and desired by her. But now, it feels like I have to ask permission just to hold her hand. It’s so hard not knowing exactly where I stand and to what extent I can show my deep affection for her. I miss not being intimate with my dear Nicky and to feel she doesn’t really want me anymore is like a thousand knives just shredding me to pieces. The tears are many and way too frequent these past few weeks and days. Just a couple weeks ago, I was at the Legacy Center trying to go about my workout with no success at all. I was completely handicapped with the thought of losing Nichole. I just burst into an uncontrollable flow of emotions that surfaced. My heart was so heavy that I’m sure those around me were wondering what the heck was wrong with this guy. To know Nichole loves me is beautiful. But, to also know that she does not want to be intimate with me is torture. It is affecting all aspects of my life right now. It’s hard to even go to work and be positive.  To not know if each day may be my last one with her is a feeling and emotion I never thought would be in my realm of possibility. I’ve always thought and felt we were a forever couple. I’m hoping that the atonement can heel any disconnect! 

Hope Baker, Ava’s friend who moved 7 years ago from our neighborhood to Indiana, is here this week. So, we went to Texas Roadhouse. Hope is fun girl and a good friend for Ava. It’s great to see Ava have good friends.