Yesterday, we went on a walk in the afternoon. We proceeded to talk openly about our future together as we so frequently do. She did confirm with me that she definitely does want to have a divorce and to be with a woman. This will be by far the hardest thing to navigate, and to endure in my life. She has been my whole world and my whole meaning of existence. She does want us and especially me to think of it as a positive step forward as opposed to thinking of all the negative aspects of divorce. By no means does she want to break up the family. She just wants to break up with me because I’m a man. She says she doesn’t want to get to the age of 70 or 80 and regret not trying to be true to herself. She wants to have the chance of living authentically as her true self as a lesbian. We will try and move forward with building an apartment with the house or an additional dwelling unit on the side of the house. There are so many emotions flowing through me that I don’t think I will be able to cohesively put in words what this is going to do to me and our precious kids. We know families are eternally linked, and I have felt that the whole human race is sealed to God, not just a select few that decide to get married in a Mormon temple. I think one of the heartbreaks for me is the idea of connection between Nichole and me. I have felt that even though she is not able to connect romantically, I’ve always felt we’ve had a strong connection in every other aspect of our lives. I’ve been holding out that our connection could be reinforced in the next life together if we could stay true to each other these next few years together. I still have a strong feeling and belief that we can be connected emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically in our next life. Who knows what our eternal gender will be? One of the reasons of this life is to learn how to enrich relationships and the lives of others. Our next life and eternal connections will be intertwined with our souls. We connect in so many ways other than just physical romance. We don’t know how these romantic connections will be in the next life. But, she feels like a hypocrite and does not want to hide anymore. She and I have both received peace from God accepting that it is OK to be in love and to have a relationship with another person of the same gender. I know that it would be extremely difficult if I had to be in her shoes to be asked to love another man to whom I am not attracted to. It is so damaging and unfair for the church to continue to teach that the only way to be with God is to live a celibate life or to find someone of the opposite gender if you are gay. What the church is asking a gay person to do is to suppress who God created them to be and to not find beauty in the diversity of His creations. This just tears a gay person apart and is a source of so much sorrow, conflict and pain. This is the exact reason why I have left the Mormon church. I cannot and will not support an organization that teaches that you have to live a heterosexual lifestyle to live with God. Two people who are in love that are the same gender can just as well be happy with God as two people of the opposite gender. Love truly is love. I do want Nicole to be happy, but the hard part for me is knowing that I cannot fulfill her happiness completely. I was hoping that we could make it together in his life and somehow God would help us fully connect in the next life. This is the torture for me. I want us to be able to fully connect in way. I sincerely thought and felt that we could even though she can’t connect with me romantically or physically right now I love Nicole with all my heart. And I know that she loves me because she tells me all the time. She tells me she loves me , and she is hoping that this divorce can be looked as adding a couple people to our family as opposed to breaking it up. The hardest part for me will be to let her go so that she can be truly happy and have that experience of finding someone that she can fully love completely . This is different from me because I have been able to love her completely, and I feel that I have devoted all that I have for her. So, I have to get over this feeling of rejection and that she is moving on and I have to forgo these emotions of denial . My heart is going to be broken for ever forever. I will have no intention of trying to move on to date. I just want to devote all that I am to my kids and try to save up any means financially to help them out. I have no intention of , trying to find another person with whom I can connect. Maybe I should leave that option open, but for now, I just want to be there for Nicole to move forward and to help our family stay united. The last thing I want is for our kids to be devastated . This will be a hurricane of emotions. All I can do for now is to show my love to Nicole and the kids. I will do all in my power to keep our family together. This might mean to open up the idea of letting someone else into our lives , both mine and Nicole. Nicole says she already talked with Brad, Jake and Ava a little bit. It sounds like they might be supportive. A few months back when I went to go talk with Ethan just before Mercedes blessing, I told him I did not know what’s going to happen with Nicole and I . So, I think Ethan will be somewhat already embraced for the moment. Eli will most likely have the hardest experience. Early on in our marriage, I had always told Nicole that there was no such thing as the D word, or another word divorce. at the time, it was meant as a way to show my devotion to her for eternity. I would even tell her that this whole life is a honeymoon in preparation for the eternities. Who knows? Maybe this still is a preparation for the eternities. I do know one of the main objectives of living here on this earth is to learn how to nurture relationships one with another. If I can nurture this relationship with Nicole, maybe there would be hope in the next life for a deeper connection or healing from God to enable us to connect fully. Somehow we will all be sealed to God as a full family of his children. That is my hope and goal in aspiration to be an eternal family. Cannot and will not feel like a separation of our eternal connection. I have to view this as embracing someone else or even a couple other people into our family , and to make it a bigger, more extended family. Nicole and I have not had sex since probably April. I told her that I could go on without the sex. The hard part is not having the physical contact of her wanting not wanting to hold my hand or have hugs or kisses. She does hug me, and we do embrace Affectionately but even when I go in for a hug, she will look the other way, and not look at me in the eyes. That, to me has been the hardest. Go without sex is OK. But to forego they warm, embrace, and eye contact has been difficult . At the same time, I thank God that she has been able to endure nearly 30 years of living with me and how hard that must be for her to want to be fully in love with someone. By no means, am I the victim here with what we are going through. Nicole is the bigger victim. Feel so much hurt for her and pain for her knowing that all along she could’ve lived with another woman and not feel like a hypocrite. I just feel so sad that she would have to feel like a hypocrite, in order to love me fully . That is not fair to her at all. So, moving forward, in lieu of me looking at this through my lens and my perspective. I have to view this through her eyes and what she has been through. She herself has been through years of torment and unnecessary , hell just because of being taught that it was something to be ashamed of or to be repentant of. She has nothing to repent of. Nothing to be forgiven of. She has my full 100% support so that she will no longer have to live and feel like a hypocrite . I do want her to be fully happy and I expect us to always be together as a support for each other. We will continue to be a family. We can even start a business together. We can do new adventures together and continue doing things together as a full family . This is not the end of our family. I will continue to love her with all my heart. I know she will continue to love me with all her heart as much as she can. We just have to make room for someone else at this point to share that love with . I will try my hardest to view this as a positive experience as opposed to finding all the native. I will try to avoid a downward spiral of negative emotions. I will love my family and try to be there 100% for my kids and my sweet Nicole Who will always be my sweet Nicole. She will be my forever. I could be strong for her so that she will not feel bad about moving on to find her true love. My hope with my God is that he will help us to be sealed and connected , somehow for the eternities. Please God find a way that we could be connected. So that, even though we will open our lives and relationship with another that we can be together still. By no means do I want this journey to end. I can look at this as a journey . My heart is full in the tears are plentiful and numerous. I’m hoping I can turn these tears and broken heart into an opened flow, heavy motions for the new path that will be guided me forward. I will leave my heart open to see where this journey goes .
