Nichole and I continued

 I am struggling with the idea of Nichole letting me go because she is gay. She will say she is not letting me go, rather she is adding another to our family. I understand she does not want to be romantically involved due to not being attracted to men. I tell myself, “ok, don’t be attracted to men in general, but what about just this one man, or just me”. I asked her if I disgusted. She did say no. Her becoming more true and authentic to herself alienates me of any affection other than just a respectful or friendly hug. So, I guess this also pulls her away from me in regards to affectionate passes like kisses, warm embraces and just looking at each other deeply in our eyes. I don’t feel she wants to let me go completely. Rather, she still wants me to be a part of her life. I have to get over this rejection and heartbreak that she does not want me anymore. She just wants to be friends. The problem with this is that she is my best friend. I married my best friend. We confide in one another completely. How do I not stay unattached to someone with whom I’ve shared everything with and with whom my identity has been intertwined?  Why can’t we stay attached in every way with exception of the romantic sex?  She now has a hard time to say she loves me when I tell her I love her. It’s like she just doesn’t want to say it so she can unattach herself from me in preparation of moving onto someone else. She is cutting the tie that has bound us, and it is torture for me. As we lay down in bed, she is indifferent whether we have any type of embrace or not or even just to say good night or talk. I ask her if I can at least hug her. We do hug, but it’s always me that instigates the approach. So, I hug her and tell her I love her with just a grunt as a response. It hurts deeply that she is unable or unwilling to say those words to me now. Never did I think she would not be able to say that to me. Today, I sent a short text message just letting her know I love her and and am thankful for her and our family. I got no reply whatsoever.  

I do have to try harder to see this scenario through her eyes instead of getting so heartbroken. Could I romantically tell another man that I love him? Not that there is anything wrong with this, but only because I am a heterosexual man. No, I could not. I try to stay positive by thinking she is not letting me go. She is simply wanting to add another to our beautiful family. She says to me that we are forever linked. She is just not attracted to men.  What will be some core principles to abide by as time moves forward. 

1. Stay positive! Don’t let my negative emotions spin me into a downward spiral. I can be a light. My attitude will affect my family for good or bad

2. Love myself and love my family. Be thankful for what I do have. Family is eternally linked. 

3. Look at what Nichole is doing through her eyes, NOT mine! Love her unconditionally