Time with Eli

 

This past week, little Eli and I went to the Legacy Center to work out and play some basketball together. He does enjoy getting the nachos afterwards as his snack

Super Bowl Sunday

 

Ethan and I go for a walk

 Ethan was amazing yesterday. He called me up and said he wanted to go for a drive together. So he came over early afternoon and we drove down to the park and walked the track. He wanted to express to me how much he loved me and his mom is concerned was he just wanted to let me know he was there for me while going through the divorce. We talked for at least an hour. He wanted to talk the financials through with me. I got to appoint during this time with Nicole, trying to view the reasons of divorce from her perspective. I have to put myself in her shoes. By doing this, I am able to cope, and you understand why she needs to break up with me. And yes, it tears me up And renders me without oxygen, but I can understand why. The reason is because it would be impossible for me to express myself in any capacity to a man like I can do so easily with Nichole. Any expression of love, physical contact, cuddling, holding hands, expressions of intimate conversation, etc. would just be in fathomable for me to think I could do that with another man. I think people can’t understand is that she has been doing this for nearly 29 years. At this point, I can only think thoughts of thankfulness that she has been able to indoor this long of a companionship together. As my eternal vow for Nicole, I will support her as much as I can. Ethan asked me to review and understand alimony. He wants me to know that it is OK for me to divide up our assets, but we need to figure out together what will be fair for both Nichole and me so we both can have a future. 

After going on a walk with Ethan, Nichole and I went to go see my mom and dad at the assisted-living center. We had a good visit with mom and dad and on the way home Nichole kept telling me that she would be happy and that it would make her happy if I were to find another woman that I could be completely happy with. I take solace in knowing that Nicole has given herself to me as much as she possibly could. She has nothing to forgive, and I am so thankful she has let me be a part of her life in such an intimate way for almost 29 years.. She is definitely the better person than me out of us two. I will love her for eternity. If it makes Nichole happy, I will try to open my heart to another in the future

Dave passes away

 

Resignation letters

Nichole wrote the resignation letters from the church for herself, Ava and Brad.  I told Nichole that I was not going to be the one to write the letter for her. That was something she needed to do for herself. Ava had to sign her name on the letter to which she could hardly do it because she doesn’t know how to write cursive. Brad told me he was a lot happier not being a member of the church

 This week, Nichole decided that we should not sleep together anymore. She started sleeping in Brad‘s room. I tell Nichole that I love her. She tells me she loves me too. Last night, she came into the bathroom and gave me a hug good night. My heart aches and sadness just keeps taking over. But I tried to not let it affect me too much. Earlier in the day, we went to lunch with Brad and Calvin. We went to Seven Brothers, which is a new place I’ve never been to.  Apparently the burger tasted good, but it did not sit well in Nichole‘s stomach. She has IBS. Because of that, I was really in the mood to go to a movie to which I ended up going by myself because of her stomach hurting too much. Eli still prefers to stay home most of the time or go play with friends in lieu of hanging out with mom and I. He always looks for friends. Ava went off with friends to spend the night with them. It feels like my life of living by myself is close. I am nervous of being on my own because I’ve had my family and Nichole for the last 29+ years of my life. I’m nervous of being on my own. It was good however, to go out to lunch with Brad and Calvin. I am going to miss having Nichole sleep next to me. I thought, even after the divorce finalizes, that we would be able to still sleep in the same room together basically just like friends do at sleepovers.  But, Nichole seems to think it will be weird. She has definitely been the one breaking up with me, and not me breaking up with her. How do I let my heart let her go because she has been my everything and so much of my identity. 

I continue to go to the gym and try to take care of myself physically. Workouts are more mentally and emotionally uplifting than the physical.  That does help to give me something to do, something to do with purpose, and it is definitely my stress release. I try to do more weights, but when it comes down to it, I always revert back to more cardio. I did a 1.25 mile swim, about 25 miles on the bike and a 5K run before doing weights. When I came home, Nichole and I went for a walk. It was a short walk, because it started to rain, hail, and snow on us. And I was only in shorts and a light sweatshirt. But, I enjoy those few moments of walking together. 

Brad, Ava and Nicole wrote their letters of resignation from the church yesterday. All we have to do now is go turn them in to Josh Rich who is our bishop. The thing I probably most enjoy about the church is the community and social network. It was always fun to interact with neighbors. I do miss that. I miss having a support system around me. Brad told me yesterday that he is definitely a lot happier now. Ava is not sure if she believes in God. I hope that she will not give up her love and faith in God. Eli does not agree with the church either so he is not willing to go back to a church. Nichole tells me that she is unwilling to ever go to another church because she does not want to give that power or influence over her own thinking and self-worth. The church has caused a lot of damage.  My fear is that as we cast our lack of support of the church, that we lose our dependence on God. I do want my kids, and my sweet Nicole to never give up on God. Be mad at the church, not God Himself.  Nichole knows God loves and supports her. We hate the church for teaching that she could never be good enough to be in God‘s presence simply because of the way God made her. The same goes for Brad and Jake. 

I was able to get Eli to bed last night. Nichole and I take turns. But, he always prefer to have his mom to scratch his back and give him some massages, And he also likes his eyes massaged. I love my little Eli. He is a great son. I love my family with all of my heart. I wonder how this divorce is affecting my kids. Nichole. told me she had an interaction in which she asked him if he would prefer that we live together after being divorced, to which Eli says he wants us to live together. 

Ethan talked to both me and Nichole separately this past week. We raised a good son in Ethan. He called to tell me he loved me, and had been thinking of me and Nichole. He is a genuine, authentic and loving person who loves his mom and dad and his family.