This week, Nichole decided that we should not sleep together anymore. She started sleeping in Brad‘s room. I tell Nichole that I love her. She tells me she loves me too. Last night, she came into the bathroom and gave me a hug good night. My heart aches and sadness just keeps taking over. But I tried to not let it affect me too much. Earlier in the day, we went to lunch with Brad and Calvin. We went to Seven Brothers, which is a new place I’ve never been to.  Apparently the burger tasted good, but it did not sit well in Nichole‘s stomach. She has IBS. Because of that, I was really in the mood to go to a movie to which I ended up going by myself because of her stomach hurting too much. Eli still prefers to stay home most of the time or go play with friends in lieu of hanging out with mom and I. He always looks for friends. Ava went off with friends to spend the night with them. It feels like my life of living by myself is close. I am nervous of being on my own because I’ve had my family and Nichole for the last 29+ years of my life. I’m nervous of being on my own. It was good however, to go out to lunch with Brad and Calvin. I am going to miss having Nichole sleep next to me. I thought, even after the divorce finalizes, that we would be able to still sleep in the same room together basically just like friends do at sleepovers.  But, Nichole seems to think it will be weird. She has definitely been the one breaking up with me, and not me breaking up with her. How do I let my heart let her go because she has been my everything and so much of my identity. 

I continue to go to the gym and try to take care of myself physically. Workouts are more mentally and emotionally uplifting than the physical.  That does help to give me something to do, something to do with purpose, and it is definitely my stress release. I try to do more weights, but when it comes down to it, I always revert back to more cardio. I did a 1.25 mile swim, about 25 miles on the bike and a 5K run before doing weights. When I came home, Nichole and I went for a walk. It was a short walk, because it started to rain, hail, and snow on us. And I was only in shorts and a light sweatshirt. But, I enjoy those few moments of walking together. 

Brad, Ava and Nicole wrote their letters of resignation from the church yesterday. All we have to do now is go turn them in to Josh Rich who is our bishop. The thing I probably most enjoy about the church is the community and social network. It was always fun to interact with neighbors. I do miss that. I miss having a support system around me. Brad told me yesterday that he is definitely a lot happier now. Ava is not sure if she believes in God. I hope that she will not give up her love and faith in God. Eli does not agree with the church either so he is not willing to go back to a church. Nichole tells me that she is unwilling to ever go to another church because she does not want to give that power or influence over her own thinking and self-worth. The church has caused a lot of damage.  My fear is that as we cast our lack of support of the church, that we lose our dependence on God. I do want my kids, and my sweet Nicole to never give up on God. Be mad at the church, not God Himself.  Nichole knows God loves and supports her. We hate the church for teaching that she could never be good enough to be in God‘s presence simply because of the way God made her. The same goes for Brad and Jake. 

I was able to get Eli to bed last night. Nichole and I take turns. But, he always prefer to have his mom to scratch his back and give him some massages, And he also likes his eyes massaged. I love my little Eli. He is a great son. I love my family with all of my heart. I wonder how this divorce is affecting my kids. Nichole. told me she had an interaction in which she asked him if he would prefer that we live together after being divorced, to which Eli says he wants us to live together. 

Ethan talked to both me and Nichole separately this past week. We raised a good son in Ethan. He called to tell me he loved me, and had been thinking of me and Nichole. He is a genuine, authentic and loving person who loves his mom and dad and his family.