I cherish the moments we have together! Of all the places to eat out there, the place Nichole picked was Cafe Namasthe. She wanted the tika masala with naan bread. We went to Axe and Smash afterwards. I love making memories together. Everyone has grown up way too fast. I’m going to have separation anxiety when they all head out on their own journeys. I am grateful to get to spend this birthday with my sweet angel girl.
Well, it is 1:50 in the morning. As usual, I wake up and cannot go back to sleep. So I have the choice of either watching a TV show or to go for a walk. So, here I am going for a walk when I should be sleeping. Again, I have a lot of and a flood of emotions running through my veins. Yesterday, Nicole, let her siblings know that she and I will be divorcing. I received a heartfelt text from her brother, Dean, letting me know that I am always welcome in their family, and that I am loved by their family. Upon receiving the text from Dean, just about fainted. The surge of heartbreak, and his bear overcame my bean again for about the thousandth time. I am trying to be strong, but there are times like yesterday, that I could hardly even breathe. I do know that Nicole and I will always remain closest of friends and be parents for our children. With Nicole, having told her siblings, I kind of feel this forces, my hand to tell the kids before this holiday and Christmas. I wanted to wait to talk with the kids until after Christmas, so they can just enjoy the moment as opposed to hearing my heartbreak and despair, I love Nicole and my family with all of my heart. Like I said, before, the hard part is that upon revealing to me that she was gay, we have had many tender moments, disclosing, emotions, and feelings. We had grown closer because of those moments with Nicole, wanting a divorce, I just need to realize that this is not rejecting how close we are or how we connect as friends. She does love me. She just does not want to be a hypocrite. She says she does not want to go on, pretending that she is attracted to a man. In this case, me. I do wonder what the next life is going to be like. Does gender attraction have bearing for the eternities. I still feel we are close and best friends. The thought that she wants a divorce has just been been excruciating. To hell with what the rest of the world thinks on the outside. I’ve always been in denial. I guess up to this point thinking that, although she is not attracted to me, why can’t we stay on this journey together. The problem is that she needs to feel at peace in God‘s presence. She does not want to get to heaven, look God in the face, and be ashamed of who he created her to be . She is a beautiful Testament of God’s diversity of his children. She loves God and with that, I know she is moving forward with this divorce in love. Nicole has never cheated on me. She has never had an affair. She is the most Christlike person I know . I know she loves the savior and she loves her children dearly. This has not been easy on her either. She is happy. She has a family and me as a best friend, but super sad that she feels she has neglected a very central part of who she really is . She is a daughter of God who is attracted to God‘s other daughters in the same way I am as a heterosexual man. She and I do not believe that Vickie person is a second-class citizen or undeserving of the benefits and blessings straight children of God are afforded. I promise to be there for Nicole for the rest of my life and for eternity. I love her regardless. I will be her strongest supporter and best friend. I am not going to shun her or deny her any friendship or charity. I will not let someone else get in the way of my deep love and respect for my sweet Nicole. She is always will be my girl. I do have to stop being sad I can be happy, knowing I will be her best friend and strongest supporter.
This morning as I was in the kitchen getting ready to leave the house for work, a flood of emotions came over me to the point that I could hardly even breathe. Just the mere fact that Nicole wants to be with somebody else, and not me, was overwhelming. I can’t breathe. I feel like I have no sense of direction in my life anymore. The depression is pretty intense. As much as I want to stay positive in thinking that we will always stay together as a family and best friends, it’s still just tears me apart that I won’t be apart of her daily routines and intimate interactions. We went on a walk last night, and as we walked, it was so therapeutic and so soothing to just talk. When I talk with Nichole, our spirits connect and it just relaxes me and puts me at peace. I know I keep saying that I don’t want to lose my best friend. It will be heartbreaking and devastating to not call her my spouse or committed partner. When she does divorce me, I will promise to stay single for as long as she is. I will not start to date until she has found her partner. I want to stay there and be there for her as she transitions into her other relationship. I cannot see myself starting to date anyone else or even have the desire to do so. She has been my everything and this is just tearing me apart. Just the fact that she wants to be with someone else is more than I can bear. I will try to stop crying and overcome this heartache. This has been so debilitating for me to try and function in other areas of my life, like work. My attitude has been bad at work and feelings of what the heck am I doing. Moving forward, I will have to stay positive for my children. I do not know how they are going to react or how this will affect their lives. Nichole and I have talked about how it will be our attitude in front of the children of how this will be perceived and whether it will be a positive or negative impact on the family. I just keep thinking that our connection could be improved or solemnized in the next life. I don’t want Nichole to give up on me or us, but she wants to be with someone that she can connect fully. I know she’s not attracted to me, but I was hoping that I could be the one that she could connect with, even though not romantically. Nichole did tell me she loved me again. She gave me a hug as well. She still loves me and has tender feelings for me. It’s just hard that being gay, she can’t be attracted to me and as such, will embark on a new journey living authentically and embracing what God has told her is ok.
God has created diversity amongst all His creations. As such, He has created diversity within His children as well. Some of His children are homosexual, some are bisexual although the majority are heterosexual. However, in lieu of being ashamed of this of how God created a minority of His children, it is good to embrace and be proud and happy if who He created. No longer does Nichole need to feel ashamed or try to hide what God has made her. She gets to embrace and feel of His divine love for her uniqueness. As she embraces this authenticity as a gay beloved daughter of God, she gets to not only be a peace with who she is, but also that she doesn’t want to live as a hypocrite. By remaining in a mixed orientation marriage, it’s not accepting who God created her to be. God loves diversity. Just as no trees are alike, His children are each different as well. Embrace who He created and deemed worthy of His love and embrace. To not love as she is created is like slapping God in the face and not accepting who He created her to be
Today was a good day. I was able to hang out with Nichole for the majority of the day. We had a good time together shopping for Christmas. We also had a few good laughs. When the song, Feliz Navidad, came on, which is a Christmas song that I very much dislike, we had to chuckle because we always remember that Jake always said release mommy duck instead of feliz navidad.
Tonight, I went to go watch the basketball game between BYU and Utah with my dad and home. My dad shared some happy news that his prostate cancer count has gone down. It went down to 0.4. With a PSA test, the lower the number means the prostate cancer is in control or non-existent. For his PSA count to remain low, he has to take a medicine which kills his testosterone. With his testosterone levels, he gets pretty weak, and also forget things pretty easy. It was good to just hang out, have some pizza and watch the game together.. Eli and Ethan are the only two that would sit down and watch a game with me. Brad and Jake are not interested in watching sports
29 years of history together. Time for reflection:
All of the first’s.
Subway for our first year anniversary
Going to Lagoon and forgetting my wallet
All of our walks
It breaks my heart when Nichole tells me she is going to be in the arms of another and she thinks of me in the arms of another that can love all of me. But, at the same time, she wants both women to want to be a part of both of our lives. Get over this feeling that my world is crashing down. We will stay a committed partnership pressing forward to bring joy and happiness to our sphere of influence!
Ava just got home from saying goodbye to her friend, Zoie Eichstead. She is moving back to Michigan where her dad is from. Ava, as she walked in the house through the garage door, was upset and about ready to cry. I walked over to get as she put her things down on the couch and gave her a hug. As we embraced, which was close to a minute, she broke down in tears and expressed how she was going to miss her dear friend. She needed a hug. Then, Nichole gave her a hug as well. She is going to miss one of her good buddies. I told her of one of the times when I had the same emotions when my good childhood buddy, Colin Eversman, had to move
I was able to get Eli to sleep tonight. He loves to have either Nichole or I get him to sleep. We give him little massages, scratch the back, scratch the inside of his eyes, scratch his head, massage his back. Lately, he’s been having us massage his tendons in his ankles. Tonight, it was for literally a half hour running about as hard as I possibly can and it was still not hard enough. He kept asking me to press harder and dig deeper into the tendons. He had an MRI done and next week we’re gonna check the result with his orthopedic doctor. Hopefully, there is nothing serious going on! As I told him good night after a solid 35 minute massage, he told me good night and that he loved me. That meant a lot to me because a couple days ago I got onto him for disrespecting his mom. He told Nichole he never wanted me to get him to sleep ever again. I did tell him I was sorry and that I am learning to try and parent better a child with ADHD
Nichole and I went on a date last night to Mi Ranchito. It was so nice. I love just hanging out together. The hard part about all of this is that we do love each other. She does love me. When I left for work yesterday morning, she was in Eli’s room on his bed. I gave him a hug goodbye and then Nichole a hug. When I told her I loved her, she said back to me, “I love you, Dennis.” She sincerely does love me, but just not a romantic and sexual love. She does want us to stay linked and be a family. She doesn’t want to give me up. She just wants a woman that she can be a romantic couple and partner with to share all the pieces of love with. The idea is to add someone to the family. She does not want to abandon me. She reaffirms with me that she will always be there for me. Basically, we continue forever together linked as family and best friends, not lovers. We are still partners like on a team, but just playing different roles moving forward. I will remain positive. Not in light of trying to remain together as a romantic couple but rather as partners working together to keep all in the family happy and taken care of
I’ve gotta get over these feelings and emotions of rejection and betrayal. To go from being my forever to not wanting to be together when everything seemed well. This is so heartbreaking and is just tearing me apart. How do I get over this constant nagging pain in my chest and heart. I know this is denial, but it’s because I’ve always felt we were a team. We’ve been constantly communicating for the last 10 years getting to this point of knowing the source of all this pain which is the church and its teachings and policies regarding homosexuals. The church’s only options to return to live with God as a gay person is to be celibate and single or marry someone of the opposite gender. We have drawn so close and have had so many tender moments reinforcing our love for God and each other for someone who is gay. I’ve never thought through this whole experience that Nichole would want to separate or divorce. This is such a deep sadness and a terrible burden and sadness for Nichole. Where will the healing come from? Just the thought of Nichole being sad that she is with me in lieu of another is just hard to take even though I know her hurt is not aimed at me. She is deeply saddened that she missed out on having true love with another woman with whom she could have had completely natural affection instead of having to put forth unnatural effort. I will continue to love Nichole without any conditions and keep moving forward with hope and optimism
I am struggling with the idea of Nichole letting me go because she is gay. She will say she is not letting me go, rather she is adding another to our family. I understand she does not want to be romantically involved due to not being attracted to men. I tell myself, “ok, don’t be attracted to men in general, but what about just this one man, or just me”. I asked her if I disgusted. She did say no. Her becoming more true and authentic to herself alienates me of any affection other than just a respectful or friendly hug. So, I guess this also pulls her away from me in regards to affectionate passes like kisses, warm embraces and just looking at each other deeply in our eyes. I don’t feel she wants to let me go completely. Rather, she still wants me to be a part of her life. I have to get over this rejection and heartbreak that she does not want me anymore. She just wants to be friends. The problem with this is that she is my best friend. I married my best friend. We confide in one another completely. How do I not stay unattached to someone with whom I’ve shared everything with and with whom my identity has been intertwined? Why can’t we stay attached in every way with exception of the romantic sex? She now has a hard time to say she loves me when I tell her I love her. It’s like she just doesn’t want to say it so she can unattach herself from me in preparation of moving onto someone else. She is cutting the tie that has bound us, and it is torture for me. As we lay down in bed, she is indifferent whether we have any type of embrace or not or even just to say good night or talk. I ask her if I can at least hug her. We do hug, but it’s always me that instigates the approach. So, I hug her and tell her I love her with just a grunt as a response. It hurts deeply that she is unable or unwilling to say those words to me now. Never did I think she would not be able to say that to me. Today, I sent a short text message just letting her know I love her and and am thankful for her and our family. I got no reply whatsoever.
I do have to try harder to see this scenario through her eyes instead of getting so heartbroken. Could I romantically tell another man that I love him? Not that there is anything wrong with this, but only because I am a heterosexual man. No, I could not. I try to stay positive by thinking she is not letting me go. She is simply wanting to add another to our beautiful family. She says to me that we are forever linked. She is just not attracted to men. What will be some core principles to abide by as time moves forward.
1. Stay positive! Don’t let my negative emotions spin me into a downward spiral. I can be a light. My attitude will affect my family for good or bad
2. Love myself and love my family. Be thankful for what I do have. Family is eternally linked.
3. Look at what Nichole is doing through her eyes, NOT mine! Love her unconditionally
