Today

 Well, it is 1:50 in the morning. As usual, I wake up and cannot go back to sleep. So I have the choice of either watching a TV show or to go for a walk. So, here I am going for a walk when I should be sleeping. Again, I have a lot of and a flood of emotions running through my veins. Yesterday, Nicole, let her siblings know that she and I will be divorcing. I received a heartfelt text from her brother, Dean, letting me know that I am always welcome in their family, and that I am loved by their family.  Upon receiving the text from Dean, just about fainted. The surge of heartbreak, and his bear overcame my bean again for about the thousandth time. I am trying to be strong, but there are times like yesterday, that I could hardly even breathe. I do know that Nicole and I will always remain closest of friends and be parents for our children. With Nicole, having told her siblings, I kind of feel this forces, my hand to tell the kids before this holiday and Christmas. I wanted to wait to talk with the kids until after Christmas, so they can just enjoy the moment as opposed to hearing my heartbreak and despair, I love Nicole and my family with all of my heart. Like I said, before, the hard part is that upon revealing to me that she was gay, we have had many tender moments, disclosing, emotions, and feelings. We had grown closer because of those moments with Nicole, wanting a divorce, I just need to realize that this is not rejecting how close we are or how we connect as friends. She does love me. She just does not want to be a hypocrite. She says she does not want to go on, pretending that she is attracted to a man. In this case, me. I do wonder what the next life is going to be like. Does gender attraction have bearing for the eternities. I still feel we are close and best friends. The thought that she wants a divorce has just been been excruciating. To hell with what the rest of the world thinks on the outside. I’ve always been in denial. I guess up to this point thinking  that, although she is not attracted to me, why can’t we stay on this journey together. The problem is that she needs to feel at peace in God‘s presence. She does not want to get to heaven, look God in the face, and be ashamed of who he created her to be . She is a beautiful Testament of God’s diversity of his children. She loves God and with that, I know she is moving forward with this divorce in love. Nicole has never cheated on me. She has never had an affair. She is the most Christlike person I know . I know she loves the savior and she loves her children dearly. This has not been easy on her either. She is happy. She has a family and me as a best friend, but super sad that she feels she has neglected a very central part of who she really is . She is a daughter of God who is attracted to God‘s other daughters in the same way I am as a heterosexual man. She and I do not believe that Vickie person is a second-class citizen or undeserving of the benefits and blessings straight children of God are afforded. I promise to be there for Nicole for the rest of my life and for eternity. I love her regardless. I will be her strongest supporter and best friend. I am not going to shun her or deny her any friendship or charity. I will not let someone else get in the way of my deep love and respect for my sweet Nicole. She is always will be my girl. I do have to stop being sad I can be happy, knowing I will be her best friend and strongest supporter.