Today

 This morning as I was in the kitchen getting ready to leave the house for work, a flood of emotions came over me to the point that I could hardly even breathe. Just the mere fact that Nicole wants to be with somebody else, and not me, was overwhelming. I can’t breathe. I feel like I have no sense of direction in my life anymore. The depression is pretty intense. As much as I want to stay positive in thinking that we will always stay together as a family and best friends, it’s still just tears me apart that I won’t be apart of her daily routines and intimate interactions. We went on a walk last night, and as we walked, it was so therapeutic and so soothing to just talk. When I talk with Nichole, our spirits connect and it just relaxes me and puts me at peace. I know I keep saying that I don’t want to lose my best friend. It will be heartbreaking and devastating to not call her my spouse or committed partner. When she does divorce me, I will promise to stay single for as long as she is. I will not start to date until she has found her partner. I want to stay there and be there for her as she transitions into her other relationship. I cannot see myself starting to date anyone else or even have the desire to do so. She has been my everything and this is just tearing me apart. Just the fact that she wants to be with someone else is more than I can bear. I will try to stop crying and overcome this heartache. This has been so debilitating for me to try and function in other areas of my life, like work. My attitude has been bad at work and feelings of what the heck am I doing. Moving forward,  I will have to stay positive for my children. I do not know how they are going to react or how this will affect their lives. Nichole  and I have talked about how it will be our attitude in front of the children of how this will be perceived and whether it will be a positive or negative impact on the family. I just keep thinking that our connection could be improved or solemnized in the next life. I don’t want Nichole to give up on me or us, but she wants to be with someone that she can connect fully. I know she’s not attracted to me, but I was hoping that I could be the one that she could connect with, even though not romantically.  Nichole did tell me she loved me again. She gave me a hug as well. She still loves me and has tender feelings for me. It’s just hard that being gay, she can’t be attracted to me and as such, will embark on a new journey living authentically and embracing what God has told her is ok.  

God has created diversity amongst all His creations. As such, He has created diversity within His children as well. Some of His children are homosexual, some are bisexual although the majority are heterosexual. However, in lieu of being ashamed of this of how God created a minority of His children, it is good to embrace and be proud and happy if who He created. No longer does Nichole need to feel ashamed or try to hide what God has made her. She gets to embrace and feel of His divine love for her uniqueness. As she embraces this authenticity as a gay beloved daughter of God, she gets to not only be a peace with who she is, but also that she doesn’t want to live as a hypocrite. By remaining in a mixed orientation marriage, it’s not accepting who God created her to be. God loves diversity. Just as no trees are alike, His children are each different as well. Embrace who He created and deemed worthy of His love and embrace. To not love as she is created is like slapping God in the face and not accepting who He created her to be