Four weeks ago, I was sitting at church in the pew with Brad and Jake. It was Fast Sunday. Brad and Jake were both looking handsome as they were in their Sunday dress. Brad in his gray church pants and cute white slimmer fitting shirt and Jake with his stylish wearing of his dress belt off to the side. I came to church with just them and Ava since Nichole stayed home with Eli who was a little sick. People were going up to the front of the congregation and bearing testimonies. I, on the other hand, was dying inside. You see, a few days earlier, Brad had tried to end his life. He cut up his forearm 11 times, and it was all scarred. While sitting there next to my 15-year old son and looking at the scars up and down his whole forearm, the only thing I could think of was, "how could I not see this? I am a horrible father for not realizing this pain and agony my son is going through! What kind of a father am I? And, for that matter, what kind of a husband am I? Am I too self-centered with my own life situation that I don't see what is going on with my kids?"
I have been beating myself up over not being more in control of helping my son. My own son had tried to take his own life!!!! While talking with Brad, it was revealed that he had been struggling with this kind of depression since the 8th grade. My heart just sunk into despair and grief for my precious son. I couldn't believe it! How could I not have known?? He has been struggling with this for roughly 3 long torturous years and I never even realized it! What kind of a father am I?...seriously. It all came to the forefront on December 14th when Brad asked to be taken to the hospital. He wanted the despair to end and wanted to give up. He went to the hospital with Nichole while I was at work, and he stayed there for 10 hours. I was able to get there as soon as I could from work
So, the basic timeline of what happened is...first, he told Nichole he had been struggling with suicidal thoughts and that he had first tried to kill himself in the 8th grade with a knife. Then, Nichole took him in to see Dr. Weipert, our family physician who gave him medicine for depression. Well, this kind of made it worse. The feelings and images coming into Brad's mind were getting more frequent, worse and more intense. This is what drove him to ask to be taken out of school and go to the hospital. When he showed up to the hospital, Nichole told me that his whole demeanor and spirit was in a very low state and that he just was not himself. He was as pale as a ghost. The night before he had cut his chest trying to kill himself with a knife to the heart. While at the hospital, a lady therapist talked with Brad for roughly an hour trying to help him see and realize what was the triggering mechanism that causes this to plague his mind. Something I couldn't understand is that just a few weeks earlier, Brad and I had this great and deep talk together. He had confided in me that he felt he would be one of the 3 prophets referred to in Revelations. And now, he's talking about killing himself. Talk about a wide spectrum of emotions. The therapist referred Brad to the Wasatch Mental Health Clinic where they prescribed a new medication for him stating the cause of psychosis. He had a mental breakdown. The medication is supposed to help counter the effects of mental breakdowns. It was basically explained that with a mental breakdown, the nerves don't trigger correctly. So, medicine is supposed to help balance that out.
Things seemed to be going fine for a couple weeks until just a few days ago. Brad, early in the morning, after getting up and getting ready for school, overdosed on iron pills. He took a couple handfuls of these iron pills. We had already removed knives and anything else in the kitchen of what we deemed a weapon of any sort. We thought we were fine. But, then we soon realized that medications were not good either. After getting ready for school, he came upstairs to my bedroom and told Nichole and I that he needed to go to the hospital again because he had taken pills. Nichole started crying, but I tried to maintain my composure and calmly asked, "how much and when?" That's when he told me the amount. We didn't know what to do except to get him immediately over to the hospital. But, the rest of the kids were still in bed and asleep. I told Nichole I would take him. I just needed two minutes to change my clothes and get ready to take him to the hospital instead of going to work. Brad replied, while I was getting dressed, "Dad, please hurry! I need to go now!" Nichole suggested she take him because she could stay with him the whole time and that she would call her mom to come over and watch Eli and Ava while Jake went to school. Nichole let Ava stay home to watch Eli with Grandma Merrill. The crazy thing was, is that both Nichole and I asked Brad right before going to bed the night before if everything was okay. He looked us straight in the eye and said yes. By next morning, he obviously was not. Brad, for the fourth time again, had tried to take his own life.
Amongst this turmoil of disbelief and agony of what my son is going through and doing to himself, I found myself turning to scripture and motivational speakers for uplifting advise and enlightenment. I was listening to Joel Osteen who said something that hit me. "Sometimes what we see with our natural eyes as a setback is really God setting you up for something great." I was reminded of the story of Joseph.
Joseph was a young Hebrew boy who initially found favor with his father. In fact, he was even given a beautiful coat from his dad. But, his brothers got jealous of him and wanted to get rid of him, so they sold him. He goes to Egypt and finds himself sold to Potiphar. He is successful and finds favor with Potiphar who puts him in control of Potiphar's house and his affairs. He must be thinking that life is going pretty good at this point when disaster again strikes. Potiphar's wife wrongly accuses Joseph of an affair, so Joseph is convicted of a crime he did not commit. Joseph gets thrown into jail. Notice that he again finds favor with the head of the prison and is put in a position of control within the jail. Everywhere Joseph goes, he prospers with no exception of the situation he finds himself in. He has an opportunity to translate some dreams of a couple of the Pharaoh's employees which interpretations of the dreams come to fruition. However, the employee does not help Joseph at this time. You would think that through these "setbacks" that Joseph would have had the opportunity to curse God and to get down on himself and think that God did not love him or that he was of no significance. But, the opportunity finally arrives for Joseph to finally get out of his jail cell. By being able to interpret Pharaoh's dream with God's help, Joseph was put in control of Egypt. This allowed him to save not only himself, but his family and surrounding provinces. Does this not show that God was in control the whole time of not only Joseph's life, but the lives of his family and others? Think of the kind of person Joseph was able to become and the character building he went through. In my natural eyes, I would think of these "setbacks" as curses and God punishing this young man. But, it is through the fiery furnace of affliction where we are molded and procured. With my spiritual eyes, I am seeing that what I would deem a "setback" is in reality a "set-up". God sees the whole picture. We just see what's right in front of us at that moment.
I was also thinking of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego. These 3 Hebrews made a decision to not bow down to a golden image created by King Nebuchadnezzar. This Babylonian king saw this as an act of defiance against him and his rule and power as king. He got so mad at these 3 men, that he commanded the fiery furnace be turned up 7 times hotter than usual. How many times in our lives, when going through our own "fiery furnaces" do we feel the furnace turning up on us exponentially. For example, my little Braddy. How hot has this fiery furnace gotten to for him? But, the beautiful part of this story was yet to be told. Notice how God did not deliver them from never going into the fire, but that He delivered these 3 from the fire. Doesn't God let us go through these fiery furnaces in life to mold us, to define us, to build us up and see where we will land? Nebuchadnezzar responded, "didn't I only send 3 of you into the furnace? Why did I see 4 and one of them as in the image of the Son of God?" God sustained them at the most critical point of their trial. Isn't this beautiful to see!? This test of these 3 men became their testimony. How many times do I pray to be put in a better situation or to change my situation when I should really be praying for the situation to change me? It is after the trial of my faith that I gain the assurance I need. Then, faith not only remains as faith but it becomes knowledge. It is no longer needed because I know. I not only hope for something to occur, but I know it is going to occur.
I know my son can overcome. I will be a better dad for him. I will be a better husband. This battle that Brad has may end up being a lifetime battle. But, it will be hopefully something in the end that will be sweet. Through the greatest trials in our lives come the sweetest of blessings. I have faith that someday this trial will not be seen as a "setback" for Brad but as God "setting up" Brad for something great. Brad did say something encouraging the other day. He said, "maybe I have found my purpose in life and now know what I want to do when I get older. I want to be a therapist or some type of psychologist to help teens and other youth struggling with mental illness." Time will tell, but I have faith in my son, Brad. Heck, I have faith in Ethan, Jake, Ava, and Eli as well. They are all so special. My faith is that this "test" will become Brad's "testimony"
No comments:
Post a Comment